Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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