god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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