At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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