You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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