Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
