I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
