the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
