walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
