seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
