i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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