I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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