if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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