i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
just come out here and I will go home with you...
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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