Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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