dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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