Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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