Define "chronic" masturbator.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
