Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
