Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
