i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
