Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Randomize
