I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
