i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
