we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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