So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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