I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
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