you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
