I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
