I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
