Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
