I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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