the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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