I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
They have beer where we have blood.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
