I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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