Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
