halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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