She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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