I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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