I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
