i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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