Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
