I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
