I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
