If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
