No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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