all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
