listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
