Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
