Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
