Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
you didnt know i had herpes?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize