i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize