My underwear smells like fireworks.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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