I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
