So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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