I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
