i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
