I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
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