I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He? As in you personified your dick?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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