He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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