A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
