Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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