I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
