My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
