You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
